Thursday, July 31, 2014

"Gorgeous" iPad Stand Made of Real Wood Scrap Reaches $1 Million Kickstarter Goal in Hours

SAN FRANCISCO—(TYDN) The maker of "Wood," the gorgeous iPad stand made of scrap wood, announced Thursday it reached its $1 million Kickstarter funding goal—meaning backers should get their $199 tablet solutions in the coming months, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The founder of Scrap Wood Solutions, Josh Darlepstein, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that he came up with the idea of transforming pieces of scrap wood into iPad stands that look and feel like pieces of scrap wood when he was a construction worker.

"I thought to myself, 'There's gotta be a better way to earn a living than pounding nails,'" he said. "Then I realized I was sitting on a gold mine. I could package this scrap wood into iPad stands that look like and feel like pieces of wood scrap."
Photo: Hope For Gorilla
Kickstarter spokeswoman Darla Ongloria said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that it took less than a day for backers to pledge the $1 million necessary to get this project off the ground. She said the pledge drive beat out by several hours the $1 million raised just last month for a similar project for mousepads.

"This is just mind blowing," Ongloria said. "We were blown away last month with it taking just 20 hours to raise the million bucks for the "Piece of Scrap" wooden mousepad.  "But 16 hours to fund this gorgeous iPad stand. It simply shocks the conscience."

The "Wood" iPad stand project received favorable reviews when it was debuted.

Wired Magzine, for example, declared it "A revolutionary piece of furniture from tomorrow." Gizmodo said "Wood has a gorgeousness that enhances the iPad's gorgeousness. At $199, it's a steal."

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Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Feature: How the iPad Altered the Playboy Centerfold Shoot

LOS ANGELES—(TYDN) Countless men eagerly would accept Pierre Goodlfiran's job, even without his six-figure annual salary. Many would even pay for his job, or give their first born just to watch him work, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

At his 30th centerfold shoot here in the Playboy Mansion, the 47-year-old Frenchman is sizing up nudie sensation Yolanda Aconda, the blond porn starlet featured in box office hits like Yolanda Aconda is La Bomba, and Yolanda Does Dallas.

Pierre Goodlfiran checks the lighting before centerfold shoot with Yolanda Aconda. Photo: YouTube
Absent on the shooting set, however, are the props that once went along with a model posing for the Playboy centerfold. With the advent of the iPad—only about 9 inches big—the props drown out the model's features on the small tablet screen.

"We used to decide on a set based on a model's background and interests, and tried to tell a story in every centerfold to give the reader a sense of who the girl is about," Goodlfiran said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "There's just no room for props like taxi cabs or plow shears anymore. With the iPad, we can barely get the girl's feet in the picture. And you know how important feet are."

Goodlfiran, with his thinning, gray hair pulled into a pony tail, says the iPad has completely altered the centerfold shoot. Even the models have changed, too.

"Nobody cares about the set anymore. Give me a bed and colored sheets that go well with the model's skin tone," he said. "Today's readers just want images of the girl, and the shorter the women are now, the better. They fit more nicely on the iPad screen."

Aconda's spread is expected to appear on iPads in November.

Having always been a digital native, the 25-year-old Brazilian porn starlet said she was too young to know of the times before the Digital Age. But she did say that, indeed, advances in technology have radically changed her profession in other ways.

The advent of Viagra has been both a plus and a minus to the porn industry, she said.

"We sold five million copies of Yolanda Takes on Rio de Jeneiro," Aconda said. "But I couldn't perform for like two months afterwards."

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Tuesday, July 29, 2014

No "Switcheroo," NYPD Concludes Sun Bleached U.S. Flags Atop Brooklyn Bridge

NEW YORK — (TYDN) Investigators concluded Tuesday there was no security breach connected to the two giant, bleached American flags discovered waiving on the Brooklyn Bridge in what was initially believed to be a daredevil stunt pulled off by unknown pranksters, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The large American flags were the victims of wear and tear from the wind and sun, causing the Stars and Stripes to whitewash with age, New York's mayor said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

"Vandals did not climb two, locked 276-foot towers in the middle of the night last week, remove two American flags, and pull a switcheroo by replacing them with bleached white Old Glories in one of the city's most heavily guarded landmarks," Mayor Bill de Blasio said in the exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "It simply shocks the conscience over how irresponsible the media was to make the New York Police Department look so silly by perpetuating such falsehoods."

Photo: Youtube
"This is not a whodunit," de Blasio concluded.

Bill Bratton, the NYPD commissioner, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that City Hall contractors were supposed to change out the bleached Old Glories with fresh ones early last Tuesday. But they wrongly changed out the flags at the nearby Manhattan Bridge, he said.

"When everybody woke up last Tuesday morning, they saw the sun-bleached flags on the Brooklyn Bridge and assumed pranksters had replaced the new Old Glories that the contractors were supposed to have just installed," Bratton said. "The contractor simply didn't do its job."

But the contractor, James Dunningham, the operator of Dunningham Dunningham and Dunningham Flag Services, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that the contract was, indeed, to change the Manhattan Bridge flags.

"This investigation," he said in a telephone interview, "is a whitewash of epic proportions."

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Monday, July 28, 2014

Tour de France Winner Stripped of Yellow Jersey After Clean Drug Test

PARIS — (TYDN) Vincenzo Nibali, the first Italian to win the Tour de France in 16 years, was stripped of his yellow jersey here Sunday after his blood tested negative for drugs, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The clean drug test from the 29-year-old Italian certified tour officials' suspicions that Nibali was not a dirty rider. Despite wearing yellow for 19 of 21 stages, the tour stripped the Astana rider of the winner's jersey for violating its doping policy.

Vincenzo Nibali, moments before being stripped of yellow jersey. Photo: Ciclismo Italia
Tour director Christian Prudhomme announced that Nibali, who won stages on the Vosages, the Alps and the Pyrenees, was in breach of tour drug rules. The announcement turned the festivities following the final stage procession on the Champs Elysees from jubilation to exasperation.

"Nibali has disgraced this tour with a clean blood test," Prudhomme said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Every racer knows our drug policy and must follow it."

The Italian, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said he would challenge the findings.

"I would never let down my family, fellow team Astana riders or my country," said an outraged Nibali, who added that he was "shocked" by the drug test results. "I have been following the new drug policy, to a letter, following its adoption last year."

"Somebody must have switched my sample with a clean one," Nibali charged. "My climb at the Pyrenees speaks for itself."

Tour officials changed its zero-tolerance policy in 2013 to avoid a another embarrassment like the one in which Lance Armstrong was stripped of seven Tour De France titles after testing positive for taking performance-enhancing drugs.

That year, Armstrong told Le Monde that it was "Impossible to win without doping because the tour is an endurance event where oxygen is decisive."

Prudhomme said Nibali's blood sample has been locked in a safe and is being transported to the United States, where it will be analyzed again by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency.  Results are expected as early as next week.

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Friday, July 25, 2014

Arizona to Review Execution Procedures Following Botched Last Meal

PHOENIX — (TYDN) Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer ordered a review of the state's lethal-injection procedures Friday after a condemned murderer's last meal did not include the French fries he requested, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The debacle is certain to set off more public debate over the death penalty and lead to new court battles. The Supreme Court has never ruled that executions are unconstitutional forms of cruel and unusual punishment. But "French fry-gate" might be enough to grab the high court's attention, analysts said in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews.

Inmate Joseph R. Wood III was executed by lethal injection in Florence, Ariz. on Wednesday during a procedure that took nearly two hours. The execution was marked with repeated bursts from the condemned man complaining that prison officials forgot to give him his McDonald's fries to go along with his final meal of a Big Mac and chocolate shake.

It was the third time this year that a lethal injection proceeded despite a final-meal mishap.

"It's more evidence that the death penalty has become an embarrassing, barbaric spectacle," the American Civil Liberties Union said in an exclusive statement to TheYellowDailyNews. "How much longer will the public tolerate this barbaric treatment? Wood expressly requested French fries and he didn't get them."

Meanwhile, thousands of death penalty opponents picketed outside the McDonald's in Florence, where the execution was carried out, following a Thursday report in TheYellowDailyNews revealing that a worker at the fast-food chain had forgotten to include the fries in the condemned man's order.

In response, McDonald's fired the employee it refused to identify. In a statement exclusive to TheYellowDailyNews, the Oak Brook, IL., chain decried the employee's performance as "incompetent and reprehensible."

There are more than 3,000 condemned men and women on the nation's death rows.

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Thursday, July 24, 2014

Apple Cancels Transgender Siri Voice Option in Upcoming iOS 8

CUPERTINO, Calif. — (TYDN) Apple is removing the transgender Siri voice option from its upcoming iOS 8 operating system for iPhones and iPads, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

TYDN File Photo
Analysts suggested the move to scrap the transgender Siri voice option was to avoid the likes of another iPhone 4 Antennagate or an iOS maps bungle.

Thursday's decision by Apple's chief executive Tim Cook follows complaints from beta testers that Siri's transgender voice was missing the mark. Many testers of the new operating system, due out this fall, said the transgender Siri voice-assistant sounded "too transgender" while others said it "wasn't transgender enough."

"We simply couldn't decide over whether a transgender Siri should be more male or female sounding," Cook said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "There was simply no middle ground."

The move is a let down for many Apple enthusiasts, leaving just the "male" and "female" Siri voice options.

It's not the first time Siri, which speaks dozens of languages, has come under fire.

The Central Intelligence Agency, fearing a wave of iPhone-assisted terror plots, pressured Apple to disable the Siri voice-assistant from speaking Persian in 2012.

The CIA's intelligence assessment, obtained by TheYellowDailyNews, concluded that Siri was being used by Taliban and other Middle Eastern terrorists to automatically remind them to commit jihad while also providing them directions to terrorism sites.

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Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Sober 20 Years, Relapsed Drunkard "Absolutely Shocked" at Beer Prices

TWIN FALLS, Idaho — (TYDN) A local man who fell off the wagon Wednesday said he was coping with his first hangover in two decades and also suffering from sticker shock concerning the inflated price of booze, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Thomas Jonsing is floored by beer prices. Photo: FlackJacket2010
Thomas Jonsing, a 57-year-old cabinet maker divorced three times, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview that he couldn't believe the local Pioneer Club Bar & Grill was charging $5 a draft.

"For months, I've been going back and forth on whether to get started again. It's been 20 years. I hit the Pioneer Club, my old stomping grounds, and was absolutely shocked at how much beer was," Jonsing said in a telephone interview. "I mean, $5 a pop! I almost decided to stay sober. But I didn't."

It was the first time a relapsed alcoholic voiced concern about the price of alcohol, analysts told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews.

"Usually, they just dive in head first, irrespective of the cost," Smith Barney analyst Joshua Bornstenlerian said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Jonsing said he rang up a "substantial" tab at the Pioneer Club. So, in search of cheaper booze, he decided to hit the local liquor store, where for the first time he took a trip down the beer isle in decades.

"Light beer!" he exclaimed. "What the hell is that?"

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Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Facebook Promises to Be "Less of a Dick" under New Terms of Service

MENLO PARK, Calif. — (TYDN) Facebook, the world's largest social-media platform, unveiled a new user agreement Tuesday promising it would be "less of a dick" to its more than 1 billion account holders, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Photo: Scott Beale
Facebook, which has come under repeated attack over user privacy, announced the changeover in language buried in its new 50,000-word terms of service. The development, which turned heads from Silicon Valley to Wall Street, comes weeks after it was revealed that the Menlo Park, Calif.-based publicly traded company secretly experimented with user feeds by altering comments in them.

It was the first time Facebook announced it would be "less of a dick," analysts told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews.

"When Facebook changes its terms of service, it usually means user privacy is affected," said Goldman Sachs social media analyst Alan Rukmelstein, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This is a game changer."

Two lines in the new user agreement say: "We keep hearing from our users that their privacy matters. So, for now on, we promise to be less of a dick when it comes to your privacy."

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg declined comment.

Facebook said in a statement that users' privacy comes first, and that how the company treats its users' data is openly disclosed in its terms of service.

"This is a free social media platform and everything is out in the open," the company said in an exclusive e-mail to TheYellowDailyNews. "Nobody's head is being held at gunpoint forcing them to use our service."

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Monday, July 21, 2014

Supreme Court Rules Minorities, Poor and Gays Excluded From ObamaCare

Photo: David
WASHINGTON — (TYDN) The Supreme Court ruled unanimously Monday that President Barack Obama's centerpiece legislation providing health care to the masses, known as ObamaCare, does not cover minorities, the poor, and gays and lesbians, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

In overturning one of the most expensive and expansive pieces of social legislation approved in the modern era, the Supreme Court found that the plain language of the statute means that only the white, middle and upper classes are eligible for the health insurance program. That's because, buried inside the 20,000-page package, is express language prohibiting coverage for minorities, the poor, and gays and lesbians, Chief Justice John Roberts wrote.

"After careful analysis of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act that the president signed in 2010, we conclude that the plain language of the statute excludes minorities, the poor, and gays and lesbians," Roberts wrote for the majority. "It expressly says so on page 19,999."

Democrats suggested there must have been a typo when the bill was produced by the Government Printing Office. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that he would demand a Justice Department investigation into what Washington insiders are calling "Typo-gate."

An analysis of the bill by TheYellowDailyNews analysis concluded that—on page 19,999—the legislation expressly says that "Minorities, the poor, and gays and lesbians are excluded from coverage." Democrats, however, said the bill should read: "Minorities, the poor, and gays and lesbians aren't excluded from coverage."

Obama, meanwhile, distanced himself from Typo-gate. In an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, he derided the nine-member high court as "a bunch of activist judges who achieved the results they wanted. This simply shocks the conscience."

Republicans, meanwhile, immediately exulted, saying they had contended all along that lawmakers would never have voted to approve a handout to the downtrodden, whom they call "the takers of society."

"That this measure was construed to provide health care to "the takers of society" simply shocks the conscience," House Speaker John Boehner said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "That's what the emergency room is for."

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Friday, July 18, 2014

Gotta Go to the Bathroom? New iOS App Allows Booking of Private Home Toilets

CUPERTINO, Calif. -- (TYDN) Apple approved Friday its latest "sharing economy" application for iPhones and iPads, one that allows users to immediately book private home toilets, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The new AirWC app, which connects those having to go to the bathroom with people renting their toilets, follows an onslaught of apps in the "sharing economy" space to land on iOS and Android. Some of the most popular ones assist in short-stay home or room rentals, taxi services and even dog walking.

Analysts, however, said the AirWC app has stumbled on an often overlooked market.

"How many times have you been out and about and then, suddenly, you really had to go to the bathroom?" iOS analyst Jackson DiJornolo asked in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This is a game changer."

Under the app's terms of service, toilet renters must agree to charge no more than $4 for 15 minutes of bathroom time. Additional minutes and premium services cost extra.

The GPS-enabled app, which is expected to be released on Android later this month, shows bathroom-goers a detailed map of all the available rental toilets in their immediate vicinity, and provides directions as well.

App designer Joe Johnson was suffering a new bout of colitis and was not immediately available to comment on how he came up with the idea.

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Thursday, July 17, 2014

Drunken Whore Actress Claims Grand Theft Auto Used her "Drunken Whore Actress" Likeness Without Permission

Credit: Rockstar
LOS ANGELES — (TYDN) A Hollywood celebrity sued the makers of "Grand Theft Auto V," alleging in federal court here Thursday that the graphic and violent game employs her "drunken whore actress" likeness without permission.

The unidentified celebrity sued Rockstar Games, claiming that a character in the video is "a drunken whore actress who is a lot like me, and therefore infringes on my likeness." The suit seeks $10 million in damages and demands that the character be removed from the game that allows players to steal cars, shoot at cops and abuse prostitutes.

It is the second time this month that Rockstar Games was sued over allegations that a celebrity's likeness was employed in the game without permission.

Lindsay Lohan sued July 1 in a Manhattan court, claiming the video game based a character and "incorporated her image, likeness, clothing, outfits, Plaintiff's clothing line products, ensemble in the form of hats, hair style, sunglasses, jean shorts worn by Plaintiff that were for sale to the public at least two years before the Defendant's release of the GTA V game."

Rockstar declined comment.

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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Obama Brokers 5-Minute-Long Middle East Peace Accord Between Hamas, Israel



Israeli shells hit Gaza. Photo: Amir Farshad Ebrahimi
GAZA CITY — (TYDN) President Barack Obama was exulting late Wednesday after having brokered a record 5-minute-long truce between Hamas and Israel, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The development, which was applauded throughout the Middle East, the West and neighboring Egypt, follows the 2-minute-long cease fire two days ago that was prompted when each side paused to reload their weapons, sources told TheYellowDailyNews.

The Obama deal is considered the longest cease fire on record, and brings with it hopes that the two warring sides could come to the table and extend the cease fire by several more minutes.

"The killing of innocent Palestinians in the Gaza Strip with U.S.-funded weapons cannot be tolerated to continue on forever," the president said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "That is why I have stoked a peace process that must result in at least a 10-minute cease fire."

Middle East experts immediately said that Obama might be pushing for too long of an accord at a time when tensions are fragile.

"Obama's proposal of doubling the length of the ceasefire is certainly a donnybrook, one in which the doves and hawks in the warring fractions will have to weigh carefully," Boris Shields, a Harvard University scholar in Middle Eastern Studies, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This brinkmanship that Obama is displaying is both laudable and fraught with peril."

Palestinian officials said at least 200 people, mostly civilians, have been killed in the latest wave of Israeli airstrikes that began a week ago in response to militant factions of Hamas firing missiles into Israel from Gaza City. At least one Israeli has been reported killed.

The United Nations said hundreds of thousands of Gazans were without power and water, and that hundreds of homes had been destroyed by Israel —- the United States' top ally in the region.

The United Nations also announced Wednesday that it would examine whether the existence of Israel is playing a role in the bloodshed.

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Tuesday, July 15, 2014

iPhone Maker Foxconn Doubling Wages to 2 Cents Hourly




Apple chief Tim Cook greets incoming workforce at Foxconn hatchery. Photo: Photo Giddy
SHANGHAI, China — (TYDN) Foxconn, the maker of Apple products like the iPhone and iPad, is doubling assembly line workers' wages, from 1 cent an hour to 2 cents, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

It was the fourth time in as many years that Foxconn has doubled wages for the company's 1 million sweatshop workers.

"This 100 percent wage increase should make lives less miserable for our assembly line workers," Apple chief Tim Cook said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "We would expect the suicide rate among our workers now to taper off, too."

Human rights group immediately applauded Cupertino, Calif.-based Apple's move to demand the wage increase, saying that Apple was a leader in the sector and urged other companies to bump wages at their sweat shops, too. Financial analysts, however, decried the move, saying Apple's massive profits should be put to better use in the form of dividends to shareholders.

"This public relations move by Apple simply shocks the conscience," JP Morgan Chase analyst Chip Downers said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "I mean, how does paying workers more help shareholders?"

Human Rights Watch was ecstatic with the decision.

"Foxconn workers are now making financial inroads," the New York-based group said in an exclusive statement to TheYellowDailyNews. "This reduces from 20 years to 10 years the necessary labor required for a worker to purchase a product they are making."

The tech-heavy NASDAQ composite index was trading down more than 2 percent following the announcement amid fears the sector would follow Apple's move. Apple's shares were mixed.

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Monday, July 14, 2014

Correction: Pope Said 2%, not 20% of Catholic Clergy are Pedophiles




Thornhille Broome, TYDN Rome bureau chief, left, interviews Pope Francis on Sunday. Photo: International Labour
VATICAN CITY — (TYDN) The English-language version of TheYellowDailyNews erroneously reported over the weekend that Pope Francis said 20 percent of the Catholic clergy are pedophiles, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The Holy Father, however, actually said that the real figure was 2 percent, meaning about 8,000 priests are pedophiles, not the tens of thousands TheYellowDailyNews had reported Sunday.

During an exclusive Sunday interview here with the Italian version of TheYellowDailyNews, the pontiff said: "The 2 percent of pedophiles are priests, and even bishops and cardinals. And others, even more numerous, know about it but keep quiet, they punish without saying the reason why. I find this state of things untenable and it is my intention to confront it with the severity it requires."

Father Federico Lombard, a spokesman for the Holy See who had demanded the correction, confirmed the 2 percent figure.

An investigation by TheYellowDailyNews concluded Monday that TheYellowDailyNews' translation desk failed dramatically.

"Our translation desk failed dramatically. It is unfortunate that the mistake overstated the number of Catholic clergy pedophiles. TheYellowDailyNews regrets the error," TheYellowDailyNews said in a statement obtained by TheYellowDailyNews.

The Vatican supervises some 414,000 roman Catholic priests worldwide. It told the United Nations that, over the past decade, it has defrocked 848 priests because of sexual abuse allegations.
 

Friday, July 11, 2014

To Stop Terrorism, TSA bars fliers with unclipped toenails, fingernails




Nails longer than this will barred from flight. Photo: Rachel
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The Transportation Security Administration announced late Friday that all air passengers would be denied boarding unless their toenails and fingernails were clipped and rounded.

Homeland Security Chief Jeh Johnson said the move would dramatically increase airline safety of flights traveling within and to the United States. He said the proactive edict is just one facet of the many sweeping security measures that also bar fliers from carrying on gels, lotions or liquids weighing more than 3.4 ounces.

The latest edict comes days after Johnson announced that fliers' gadgets, particularly mobile phones, must be able to power on to prove to security officials that they are not bombs—all in a bid to ensure that they detonate in the security checkpoint line rather than during flight.

Johnson quickly quelled fears from security experts who had suggested that the government had new intelligence that long-nailed terrorists were plotting a hijacking, and would use their nails as weapons.

"I got the idea the other day when I was, you know, fooling around with the old lady in the sack and she cringed a few times and said, 'Your toenails are like razor blades,'" Johnson said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Then it dawned on me. This was a fundamental security flaw that needed to be made for flight safety."

Security officials said fliers' nails would be examined only after an anal cavity search is conducted to prevent copycats of last year's failed "Bunghole Bomber."

The agency reiterated Friday that nail clippers were still barred from flights.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Notorious Music Pirate Apologizes for Wrongly Tagged Pre-Release Pirate Bay Upload


babyolovich-yah! readies next Pirate Bay torrent upload. Photo: Zakwitnij!p


SAN FRANCISCO — (TYDN) The world's most notorious movie and music pirate apologized Wednesday to downloaders who torrented his latest pre-release upload, only to find out that the album was the "clean" version marked "explicit."

The mea culpa by the unusually young pirate, who goes by the online handle babyolovich-yah!, comes days after The Pirate Bay's servers nearly buckled when babyolovich-yah! uploaded the pre-release version of the new Linkin Park album, "The Hunting Party." Seeders and leechers were sharing Linkin Park's latest offering by the hundreds of thousands, nearing the all-time torrenting record set last month by the Season 4 finale of "Game of Thrones."

But the feeding frenzy on the file uploaded from babyolovich-yah! came to a screeching halt after a commenter noted that the torrent was mis-marked as the explicit version, although it was the clean, censored rendition. "What a douche bag babyolovich-yah! is," read the comment from mpaaspanksmonkiescom. "This is the clean version."

In an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, babyolovich-yah! reached out to his Pirate Bay and Kickass Torrents flock. "This was a genuine mistake. It was the first time after having provided the torrenting community with terabytes of pre-release and perfectly tagged content."

But an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews has found that his Black Uhuru discography uploaded last year was so awful that it ruined countless pirate's iTunes' collections with mis-tagged tracks littered throughout their collections. The sacrilegious bungle had prompted one commenter to say "WTF, what kind of an idiot uploads mis-tagged rubbish like that anymore?"

In response to the investigation by TheYellowDailyNews, babyolovich-yah! said he was considering abandoning his torrenting ways. Reminiscing of his happier, pre-torrenting days, babyolovich-yah! said he hearkens for simpler times before the constant hassles of always hustling to be the first to upload pre-release material.

What's more, he said, the constant fears of being sued by the film and recording industries is now eating at his insides.

"Sure, while I've always believed the National Security Agency could break into my Virtual Private Network, I don't feel safe as much anymore," babyolovich-yah! said during the exclusive 90-minute interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "I mean, what if the NSA gave my real IP address to the Motion Picture Association of America or the Recording Industry Association of America? I'd be screwed. And, besides, I'm tired of those Pirate Bay ingrates who pop off about the quality of free uploads. They're such babies."

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Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Washington Post Loses Snowden Docs When Hard Drive Crashes




WASHINGTON — (TYDN) The Washington Post was reeling Wednesday after discovering the only hard drive storing its leaked documents from National Security Agency whistleblower Edward Snowden had crashed, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

There were no backup tapes of the top-secret data that had already netted the organization a Pulitzer Prize, the Post said. Forensics reconstruction had failed.
Washington Post computer that lost Snowden docs. Photo: Steve Petrucelli

"Christ, we were working on our best scoop ever, and now it's all gone," Post reporter Garton Bellman said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "I kept asking the IT guys to make sure we had made copies, and they just kept saying to reboot and turn the machine on and off."

The consequences were the worst from a computer mishap following last year's hard drive crash of Snowden's computer, and the 2011 debacle at Apple Records, where the sole computer storing two unreleased Beatles albums failed.

The Washington Post development means that its July 5 story, "In NSA-intercepted data, those not targeted far outnumber the foreigners who are," will be its last in connection to the Snowden leaks.

In response, Patrick Pexton, the Washington Post ombudsman, said the news agency was considering replacing its Commodore 64 computers to reflect today's data-intensive environment.

"We've been looking at some top-of-the-line machines running Windows XP," Pexton said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "We lost enough Snowden material that would have brought in 50 Pulitzers. We don't want that to happen ever again."

The NSA declined comment.

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Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Local Man Claims to Have Watched Every Online Porn Flick



Media awaits Johnson to announce favorite skin flick as Guinness book probes porn watching claims. Photo: SEIU
STOCKTON, Calif. -- (TYDN)  Guinness World Records is investigating a local man who claimed Tuesday to have watched every porn film on the Internet, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

If true, John Johnson's feat would become the second in a week to make the Guinness Book of World Records. The other entry this week concerned an elderly Arizona veteran who waited on hold 21 days to make a medical appointment with the Department of Veterans Affairs. That bested the previous world record, set in September 2001, of an anonymous FBI tipster who languished on hold 20 days with information about a brewing plot to destroy the World Trade Center.

Johnson, 38, said the porn chore took him more than 10 years, about 18 hours a day. The handyman said when he was not watching online porn, he supported his habit by performing maintenance work for fellow renters at the Archmore Apartment complex, where he lives in a one-bedroom unit in this port city here.

"The phone has been ringing off the hook now with calls from companies that want me to sponsor them," a glowing Johnson said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "But I refused to strike deals with them because they wouldn't even shake my hand."

Instead, he said he was considering starting an online porn viewing advice blog. Media buyers told TheYellowDailyNews in exclusive interviews that the blog would sit well with advertisers because Johnson's target audience includes every male with an Internet connection.

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Monday, July 7, 2014

Airliner Missing 3 Months Found on Tarmac Awaiting Traffic Control



KUALA LUMPUR — (TYDN) The Malaysian flight that lost contact with air traffic controllers March 8, setting off a global search for the Boeing jetliner, was discovered Monday stalled on the tarmac here, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

All 227 passengers were dead, with their seatbelts fastened. The 12 crew members survived from a diet of soda, alcohol, pretzels and peanuts, sources said.

The global search for the plane that the world believed went missing from Kauala Lumpur International Airport ended after the pilot, angry and tired of awaiting clearance for takeoff, climbed from the cockpit. Security officials immediately whisked the pilot into custody, fearing he was a terrorist who had meandered onto the runway. But after 10 hours of interrogation, the authorities realized the plane idling on the tarmac for months was, indeed, Flight MH370.

Photo: Wikipedia
The plane’s operator immediately said the discovery underscored a top-notch safety record.

“That this airliner did not crash confirms that Malaysia Airlines maintains the safest fleet in the world,” Malaysia Airlines Chief Executive Ahmad Jauhari said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. “All the naysayers suggested the plane was diverted for mechanical issues or crashed. I’m awaiting their apologies.”


Officials at Malaysia's Department of Civil Aviation, which oversees air traffic controllers, said they never noticed the Boeing 777-200ER idling on the tarmac for three months.

A preliminary investigation conducted by flight regulators, obtained by TheYellowDailyNews, shows that the pilot lost contact with traffic controllers minutes before the flight was supposed to take off for Beijing. The report said flight controllers initially followed protocol and called the pilot’s mobile phone. But the phone was out of power, and air traffic controllers assumed the plane took off.

“Had the pilot maintained his mobile phone in a working condition, this tragedy could have been avoided,” the report concluded.

Meanwhile, witnesses watched as medical personnel pulled one body out after the other. One medical official involved in the salvage, who spoke to TheYellowDailYNews on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak to the media, said most of the victims’ bladders and bowels had burst. Malaysia’s Department of Civil Aviation, like its American counterpart, the Federal Aviation Administration, forbids passengers from unbuckling their belts when planes are stalled or traversing the tarmac.

The plane's discovery has prompted flight regulators from across the globe to review their seatbelt policies. An FAA official, who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity because she was not authorized to address the media, said the agency was considering lifting the outright unbuckling ban and allowing passengers to unbuckle once their flight idles on the tarmac for at least 24 hours.

“We hope that other governments will follow American’s lead on this,” the FAA official said.

Relatives of the dead passengers suspected for months the airliner was stranded on the tarmac.

“I’ve seen it out there day in and day out,” one relative, who declined to give his name out of fear of retribution, told TheYellowDailyNews. “The airline kept telling me, ‘Sir, we’ll be with you in a moment.’”

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